This is hard to write, please forgive my stumbling about…

I was married to a girl who earned a degree in psychology. She told me I was a narcissist. So I adjusted my life to not display the traits you have described here. We FINALLY broke up and my life instantly became much happier.

Fast forward 10 years and I had a very good (platonic) friend Jane, who was a REAL psychologist. She had been both a counselor and a corporate psychologist for a giant beverage company. Here is the hard part: What she told me sounded very much like I was a narcissist. She said I was high functioning, very optimistic, often procrastinating, and that I had a high opinion about my life and my life’s work. BUT: She said I felt that same way about others, that I was compassionate and caring and really loved other people.

It seemed to me to be a paradox. Take the previous paragraph and it sounds awfully narcissistic. Though she said surely, I was not. What is the difference? A personality disorder is one thing. But bad behavior is another. And a person can change behavior. It is not so easy to change a personality disorder.

Following the logic, if a person were able to change their narcissistic-appearing behavior, then maybe the change itself would prove that Jane was correct?

Back to your point about relationships with a narcissist: If a person is NOT a narcissist, as defined by narcissistic personality disorder, then they could show an ability to change. Lying about weight isn’t change. Losing weight is. Bragging about a charitable act isn’t change. Quietly helping others is. Graciously admitting past mistakes IS change. Caring about the problems of others IS change. Hype isn’t change. Substance is.

If a person has to hype themselves to relate, then be very careful. This matters because if you can’t trust who a person really is, then any subsequent relationship will have no grounding.

Thanks for posting your article, it is very important what you have written.